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Post by gog on Dec 14, 2007 12:28:51 GMT -5
Post your Jokes, funny Stories or any crazy stories you have, this is the place to post them
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Post by gog on Dec 24, 2007 14:53:40 GMT -5
Rules for Bands
*Never be in a band with a married couple. *Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her. *Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary. *No one cares who you've opened for. *A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important." *If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up. *When you talk on stage you are never funny. *If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?") *Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it. *Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network. *When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal." *When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go. *Never name a song after your band. *Never name your band after a song. *When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY! *Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser. *Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc. *Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both. *Listen, either break it to your parents or we will: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows. *It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay. *No one cares that you have a web site. *Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet. *Don't hire a publicist. *Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour. *Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band. *Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs? *Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends are for. *If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks. *We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got you for Christmas. *Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them? *If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You never know where or when it will turn up. *Cut your hair, but do not shave your head. *Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. *Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat. *Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit." *3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
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Post by gog on Mar 1, 2008 4:11:34 GMT -5
A man is sitting in the living room reading his paper when his wife comes up behind him and thumps him one with a frying pan. The man, who now has a bump on his head, turns to his wife and says, "What did you do that for?" His wife says, "That was for the piece of paper I found in your pocket with the name Helen Marie on it." The man says that he had been to the track last week and that was the name of the winner of one of the races. The wife was satisfied with his answer and apologised for hitting him with the frying pan.
Three weeks past and the man was in the living room with his paper when his wife again thumped him with a bigger frying pan knocking him out cold. When he finally came round he said, "What did you do that for?" To which the wife replied, "Your f**king horse called yesterday."
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Post by gog on Mar 7, 2008 9:41:31 GMT -5
"Not Scared of Satan"
A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
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Hitman
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Hitman on Mar 12, 2008 18:43:20 GMT -5
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
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Post by gog on Mar 13, 2008 13:08:52 GMT -5
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow. 2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. 3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. 2. Get a water softener. 3. Your dog has ringworm. 4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 5. Your daughter is using cocaine. 6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. 7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better
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Hitman
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Hitman on Mar 21, 2008 11:28:24 GMT -5
Hey people, you got to check this guy out, it frigging Hilario's, Dude rocks out on a monster sized Flying V guitar. Ralph Ciociano from The Guitar Shack in Port Jefferson Station, New York, attending the New York/Long Island Guitar show 5/5/2007 rocking out on his homemade super-sized Flying V guitar uk.youtube.com/watch?v=qTX3CaTWbkMCrazy dude
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Post by gog on Mar 27, 2008 14:06:54 GMT -5
Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift Dum Gai A stupid person,
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens." "Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
In the back woods of Arkansas...
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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Post by gog on Mar 30, 2008 16:58:03 GMT -5
Drunk Irishman
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Sorry that second joke was a bit lame
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Post by gog on Apr 14, 2008 16:07:19 GMT -5
On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"
She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.
"You're right sir I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
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